It’s Father’s Day and you’ve hugged the old man and given him a present of aftershave, or loud socks, or a World’s Best Dad mug. He settles back contentedly in his favourite chair, with a drink at his elbow. Now what is it you want to read him? A collection of mawkish quotes about fatherhood? Stories about some of history’s most inspirational dads?
Of course not.
[See more: These are the best things to do with kids in Macao]
Instead, you’ll want to share some of the world’s best dad jokes. To help you along, the Macao News team has compiled some of our eye-rolling favourites. In what we hope will become an annual tradition, we are proud to present the Macao News Father’s Day Dad Jokes List.
High-fives, back slaps and fist bumps to all the great dads, step dads, transdads, granddads, father figures and male mentors out there. You rock.
The List
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
What do you call a Brazilian on the moon?
An astronaut.
How many Asian moms does it take to change a light bulb?
“Don’t worry about me! I’ll just sit in the dark!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Apparently the French have their own alternative for marijuana.
They call it “ouid.”
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool and the second one did it ironically.
My wife said “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for dessert! Doesn’t it embarrass you?” I said “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
She said she missed me. Normally that would be good, but she’s reloading.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple of short films too.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays!
Kid: “Can you put my shoes on?
Dad: “I can try, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food. No atmosphere, though.
A Chinese punning joke that doesn’t really work in English
孩子：爸爸，你有宗教信仰嗎？
爸爸：有啊，我堅信睡覺
Translation
Kid: Dad, do you believe in any religions?
Dad: Yes, I do. I strongly believe in sleeping.
Explanation for non-Chinese speakers
The last character in sleep (覺, jiao) is a homophone of 教 (jiao), the character that denotes religion and is used to form the Chinese words for Christianity (基督教), Islam (伊斯蘭教) and Buddhism (佛教).
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye-deer.
Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.
Teacher: Matilde, did your father help you with your homework?
Matilde: No, he did it all by himself.
Teacher: João, why are you late for school every day?
João: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says “School – Go Slowly.”
Who’s the worst superhero?
Spider-Man because he’s 失敗的-man. (Shi bai de means “failure” in Chinese and sounds like the transliteration of the English word “spider”)
A classic Portuguese dad joke
Two balloons are floating in the desert. One says “Look! A cactus!!” (Pop!) The other replies “Where?” (Pop!)
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
“Does this taste funny to you?”
My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days, he kept leaving little messages around the house.
Why did the clam murder the oyster?
Shellfish reasons.
To the person who stole my trainers and hi-vis jacket: You can run, but you can’t hide.
Every morning for the past six months, I’ve announced loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t. It’s my longest-running joke of the year.
You think gas and electric prices are expensive, but have you seen chimneys? They’re through the roof.
What do you call a woman who lives at the top of a church tower?
Belle.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. Now I’m in the hospital waiting to be seen.
I was so excited to work this morning that last night I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours and cried.
If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use?
Hurry-canes.
I told the circus I was tired of being a human cannonball. So they fired me!
