These are difficult times for the drinker. No-Alcohol November is barely done before we head into the arid purgatory of Dry January, with Christmas – the “holiday season” – a fleeting interregnum.
The space devoted to zero-alcohol drinks on the beverage lists of fashionable bars grows ever larger – filled with improbable concoctions of herbs, kombucha, pandan, egg white and smoke, instead of honest-to-goodness booze.
Those who anxiously watch the clock for happy hour must contend with the pitying smiles of Gen Z coworkers, at the ephemeral peak of youthful vitality – and sober, because alcohol is a Boomer’s game. Meanwhile, your social media feed is full of once legendary lushes, now booze free and content to nurse a Seedlip Grove and cranberry juice before bed at 10.
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All of which is a good thing.
You don’t need to be reminded of the ravages of alcohol (“Who’s been naughty and looks 40?” as an old friend used to say) or of the fact that there is no safe level of consumption. And yet it can be hard to say no, as silly season kicks in, waiters come bearing mugs of mulled wine, and no meal ends without somebody bringing out the Grand Marnier.
How should you withstand the urge to chug back more than is sensible? Here are some pointers that worked for me – a former bottle-of-vodka-per-session drinker who went cold turkey eight years ago and has been sober ever since.
1. Don’t kid yourself about how bad the cravings are
As anybody who has given up cigarettes will know – and I check that box too – cravings don’t last very long.
The average time between the thoughts “I’m gagging for a cigarette/drink” and “I’m so glad I didn’t have that cigarette/drink” is about 10 to 15 minutes. That’s all you have to get through. It’s a bit like waiting for your dinner to go down before you realise you’re too full to have that calorically disastrous sticky toffee pudding.
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“Ah, but those 10 to 15 minutes feel like an eternity,” is your likely objection. To which I will reply: sksksk, no they don’t. You haven’t sustained a life-threatening injury and you’re probably not shouldering any more existentialist despair than the average 21st century human. So a few neurotransmitters are misfiring and your serotonin levels aren’t what they should be? Nevermind. Go play a few rounds of Candy Crush Jelly Saga until the cravings pass.
2. Think of how you want to feel later, not the way you feel now
Picture yourself waking up without a hangover and feeling wonderfully rested.
The sun is filtering through the blinds and inching slowly up the bed legs. The morning holds the promise of coffee, the papers, brioche and honey – and the entire day stretches ahead. You have the energy for it, because you are not struggling with the fatigue, weakness, thirst, headache, muscle aches, nausea, stomach pain, sensitivity to light and sound, anxiety, irritability, sweating, and increased blood pressure that are the consequence of too much alcohol.
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Imagine these things, and compare them to the race to the bottom that comes from having another rum and coke, or vodka tonic, or whatever it is. Then stand up, announce to the gathering “I’m done,” and go get your taxi (assuming you can find one, of course).
3. Remember that drunk people are super cringe
Ever seen a video of yourself drunk? I don’t mean a cute three-second clip of yourself doing a tipsy, side-to-side booty pop on a dance floor in Chiang Mai. I mean a video of yourself being sloppy, messy drunk. I have, and it was dreadful. In the video, I’m at the table in an Alain Ducasse restaurant, slurring and slowing my speech. My face is red, and my eyes half shut as I ramble my way through inanities that I remember thinking were profound at the time.
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When I started my sobriety journey, I would think of this video, shudder, and then feel ecstatically grateful that I would never again appear like that on screen (or in real life).
4. Mentally walk through the Christmas party before you arrive
Visualise the crowd of people in the room. See yourself picking up a glass of mineral water. Hear yourself shouting, over the bad 90s playlist, “No thanks, I’m drinking less these days!” or whatever it is you want to shout when your host bounds up to you with a bottle of Jägermeister and a shot glass. Run through the scenarios several times before you leave the office and it will be easier to resist the urges when you arrive.
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It also pays to have a comeback prepared for when somebody tells you you’re being “boring.” My favourites? “Say that to me when you have stage 3 cirrhosis” and “Boring beats puking.”
5. Meditation is everything
Download an app like Insight Timer or Calm, and start meditating for 10 minutes a day. You can choose from spiritual meditations, a few minutes of breathwork, or just a simple secular mindfulness practice – whatever works.
Keep it up for a week, two weeks, or even longer. The longer you meditate on a daily basis, the less capable you will be of making decisions that are incompatible with the idea of balance. Decisions like doing a tequila stuntman with your coworkers at 3 am. Or passing out with a half-eaten falafel wrap in your hand.
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You might even start making decisions that are aligned with growth – like drinking responsibly, or not drinking at all. Now that would be something to really celebrate,
